WANTED - Full Time:
Bright, troubled, disenfranchised, bored minds in need of an oasis in this parched, barren, illusory world of tech-now. Opiates, Inc. seeks your body and mind to house fleeting molecular compositions for half-life residency. Trouble in mind? Hole in soul? Opiates, Inc. can fill, biopsy, or patch any insecurity, personality flaw, or psychological wound like square hectares of spackle on a moonscape. No upped too fucked! We consider all applicants. Opiates, Inc. is the original alternative to the here and now.
Requirements: A nose, anus, or willing lungs. BULGING VEINS A PLUS. Must be able to tolerate the intolerable while possessing no tolerance. Must be able to lie on occasion, especially to The Self, in addition to others. Must be able to function at a financial deficit, knowledge of turning nothing into $$$ preferred. Applicant must be able to tolerate symptoms similar to amoebic dysentery when short, conversely must be able to troubleshoot chronic constipation when in like Flynn. Knowledge of mood swings, apoplectic states, fleeting bliss, narcolepsy, and a masochistic streak a huge plus. Your body will be bitch to extremes, know this. Ability to write off friends and family when in the way essential. Past history of experience with urban blight, dodgy characters, insufferable beggars, and excuses that max the bounds of reality helpful. Must be willing to debase Self. Physical deterioration, and suicidal idealization possible. Extreme flu-like symptoms a definite. History of playing with fire helpful.
Benefits: Boredom cured (temporary), blissful euphoria (temporary), reality idealized (temporary), no social phobia (temporary), pain tolerable if not eradicated outright (temporary), able to love yourself again (extremely temporary). Best of all, Opiates, Inc. will make you aware of the depths of your depravity (permanent!). Experience the Hindu notion of Maya on another level.
This is a Full Time, 24/7, opportunity. Opiates, Inc. is the position of a lifetime. We are a Fortune 500 Company, with thousands of years dominance in the field of soul-sucking, misery mired, prison of your own devise, helplessness.
APPLY TODAY! Field offices in all major cities world-wide. Don't worry, we will find you. We know you're looking. See you soon!